You Can’t Make This Shit Up

Well they say things come in 3’s. I don’t know who ‘they’ are but I can vouch that any military wife who’s husband has deployed at some point has experienced this. You know as soon as they walk out the door the washing machine will pack up, you’ll discover a leak that you can’t identify the source of & your home will be invaded by spiders. It’s just the rules of deployment.

Dan isn’t even away (yet) & this flat is just fucking cursed I swear, I suppose neglect over probably 50 years doesn’t necessarily constitute as cursed, but just go with it.

I’ve had a lot of messages from many of you asking how it’s been so I thought I’d fill you all in together. I really appreciate all the continued love. It’s so lovely of you all, so thank you for that.

So, three things that have gone wrong at the same time this week:

-From my last blog you’ll know I couldn’t use my kitchen sink or washer – due to a lack of pipes that I was supposed to discover, not the home inspector.. (obvs, duhh).

-What you may not have seen if you aren’t following me on Instagram, (quick plug, @paperjungle) is that my fucking toilet seat fell off. In my last blog I mentioned sliding around on it mid-business.. What I was not expecting was at 3am to go for a sleepy pee to completely slip off the side of said toilet getting my pants stuck in the ordeal. I’m there, (modesty out the window at this point) shouting out for hub to come & “detach” me from the newly detached seat. Well, I thought I had reached rock bottom before, how wrong was I? So there we are at just gone 3:00 in the morning, using the packing tape that was leftover from the move, thinking we’re the bomb for being so ingenious in our sleepy states. We’ve since called in a repair on it, which I am having to wait til Wednesday for, so that’s almost a week of taped up toilet usage.. Pray for me that it will hold! We’ve tried escalating the repair but they’re having none of it. To say me & Amey are over right now is an understatement.. It’s going to turn into a vicious divorce between us if they keep up this ‘IDGAF’ attitude.

-The third problem.. (this one’s great) Knowing I’d have no washing machine for a week, we compiled EVERYTHING that needed washing & took it down to the laundrette, thus ensuring we’re good while waiting for the plumber. Said plumber arrived on Tuesday, left my kitchen sink with bad drainage & didn’t hook the washing machine up properly, but we could manage with those things & finally wash up the pile of dishes we had accumulated over 6 days. Now, we’d barely got any washing due to the magical place of working washing machines, so I waited for a full load. I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right, but yesterday morning I went to put on the wash that was now kind of important as it’s getting to that point again. I pop my detergent etc in the trays, turn it on & NADA. Fucking diddly squat is happening except for a kind of terrifying hum from the machine. Panicking, I turn it off (it sounds like it may start smoking at this point). We then find out (due to extensive, believe me, investigation) that there is no water coming out of the washing machine valve. After making sure we try every fucking possibility so that we don’t look like total twats when a repair man comes out & tells us that we could have fixed it in 5 minutes ourselves, we call Amey again to raise a job. But as it’s now technically a ‘new’ job (even though linked to old job that was ‘fixed’) we now have to wait ANOTHER SIX DAYS for someone to come out to us. So I’m currently writing this while Dan is back at the laundrette. That will be 2 weeks without a ‘utility’ which they state is re-housable for, but won’t help us with that either because again ‘we signed the paperwork’.

And this is why I have decided to call this whole saga of blogs ‘You Can’t Make This Shit Up’.

Sorry if that was incredibly dull, but as I’ve stopped orders on the website, plan on moving so can’t make this place ‘homely’ I’m so bored! If anyone has any tips on boredom or wants me to blog about anything else, let me know! I’m actually thinking of ordering some puzzles it’s got to that point.

Here’s our toilet saga, just in case it didn’t come off as ridiculous in writing as it looks!!



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