Isn’t That Just Kick You In The Crotch, Spit On Your Neck Fantastic

I literally don’t even know where to begin with this one. Everybody loves a good moan every once in a while, but I don’t want to be a whiny bitch on here, I want my website, my Instagram & Facebook to be a place of fun, laughs & some relatable as fuck-isms.

Anyhoo I digress already..

So after a long couple of days packing up our lovely-yet-patch house back in Cosford, we set off at 5:00 to get to our new destination here in Gosport. As expected we got stuck in a shit load of traffic, got to our new place 30 minutes late absolutely bursting for a pee, as was Lola & Dan too. This was fine though as they (Amey Housing Officers) allocate 60 mins for a ‘march in’. Side note: you always acquire these little nuggets of information, you’re never told in advance the timings or if in fact you’d be late. You pick up little tidbits after being in tricky situations & I’m sure someone else out there has been told something totally different to a 1hr slot! (Each person has their own rules it seems).

So we rock up, (crossed legs at this point) & meet the guy who’s going to show us around. There’s really not much to show to be honest, but it’s somewhere to live right? What I remember most about it now, looking back, was the round of applause almost expected at the fact that the lounge had been furnished with a new carpet. “Goodie” I think as I see all the other rooms, pale blue from what used to be a dark shade, but they’ve worn away so badly that they no longer even resemble carpet.

It’s so hot inside as he had ‘tested’ the heating, that I decide to take Lola out to our new garden to christen it, reluctantly so as I still desperately needed one myself! When I return, he’s almost out the door after showing my husband the oven. He comes back with a worker from Amey, who needs to ‘look at’ our oven as apparently it had been tripping the electrics, another fab sign but nevertheless we proceed to another room & leave him to it.

Whenever you move into somewhere new you never take in tiny details straight away, you’re taking in the entire room (especially as we’d yet to see the place because you’re never given any information on the house you’ll be living for the next 2 years-ish unless you’re really lucky & live close already to go & spy through the hopefully empty windows). Even if you then decide you don’t like what you see, it really is a case of tough shit as that’s all they’re offering & your lorry is literally around the corner about to show up & dump all your belongings in it regardless of how you feel.

It wasn’t until he had gone that I decided to go for my over due loo stop to find the toilet was the most revolting thing I have ever seen in my life. You know the lid thing? Ours is just hanging off, it has nowhere to prop itself. I almost burn my leg, due to the badly designed layout – the radiator is positioned just at that spiteful place that means I will now forever be visiting this rusty old throne side saddle. I sit down & the seat flies to one side, it may only be an inch or two, but when you’re doing your business it feels like you’re mid earthquake.

Upon further inspection I notice a few stray pubes in the sink, along with old, dried toothpaste stains.. This is where I start to lose my shit. I turn & inspect the bath, with it’s mouldy grout & rusty shower head I make a disgusted face & decide to exit as quickly as possible. It still hasn’t sunk in that I can’t actually exit the house entirely & that this shower is now in fact, mine. Bleurgh.

When moving into a military married quarter (MQ) you’re expected to fill in a ’14 day report’ to list any problems so that when you leave you won’t be charged, something anyone who’s rented anywhere/anything will know. They’ve given me 14 slots to fill in, I laughed. A lot. & then cried. A lot. I could fill in the report fully from just the bathroom. I’m now having visions of Ross shouting at Rachel in friends, “YOU HAD RAMBLED ON FOR 18 PAGES. FRONT & BACK!”.

Not only will there be ramblings of a humongous amount of pages, there will also be an entire photo album dedicated to this place, seeing as I have now taken 175 photos of all the issues/dirt/broken things. I won’t bore you with them all, but thought I should add a few here, so that you don’t think I’m just an overdramatic bint with a grudge for Amey. Although I may well have one now.





So this in short (or long really, sorry about that – it was cathartic for me) is why I have decided to stop orders from my website for the time being. It’s to avoid your goodies getting to you with remnants of mould or fag smell that’s been left lingering in this ‘home’. By the way, that picture of the pale blue ‘carpet’ with the dots.. are fag burn holes. I did wonder how bad the lounge carpet must have been for it to have been changed but those ones left as they are…

Oh & one more thing, this is just a little rant for me to be honest, I’ve lived here for 5 days now & have yet to put a wash on or do any dishes because the pipe under the sink is missing some nozzle thing (don’t come for me, I have no fucking clue what I’m supposed to be looking for under there, apart from when I store wine in that particular cupboard). We have called Amey for someone to come sort it, we already did as much as we could to fix it, & we’re now on an ‘emergency’ list – but we still have to wait until Tuesday. So that’s a week after moving with no clean dishes or clothes. (Which I should add, had we spotted it while the housing guy was still here, he’d have had to fix it within 24hrs as the house would not be classed as passable, luckily Amey have another loophole though!). Just the little added bonus when you move into somewhere that makes you doubt all your life choices.

Okay & before anyone comes at me with the ‘you live for free, you can’t complain’, no we do not. We don’t get housed for free just because my husband is serving, that would be great if we did. It’s subsidised housing, not free. Which is the only bonus you get living with uncertainty, deployments, loneliness, constant packing/moving & shit pay.

Peace out guys, I’m off to go get shitfaced in my very humble abode. I should be much chirpier soon! If not, there’s always gin.


^ to Amey, not you guys 😉

Thanks for reading, if you got this far!

  1. Jo 6 years ago

    Hi, I just wanted to say that I think you’re amazing. This would grip my shit for sure, my skin is crawling just looking at those photos. My fiancé is in the army and we are currently on year 5 of army life together. The uncertainty, the last minute changes, the details seniors forget to tell you, the crazy houred phone calls, the loneliness, the stress, the heartbroken child who misses her daddy and so forth.. I hear you girl, I hear you. Our daughter and I live two hours away from the camp so we only get to see the main man in our lives at the weekends (when he isn’t guilt tripped into helping people out or volunteering for things!), and we have no friends or family in Forces relationships so I enjoyed reading your blog and seeing that there is someone else getting a little frustrated with ‘Forces life’. And the fact you pre-empt comments from other people about ‘free’ stuff…. preach it sister! Everyone always has something to say, regardless of the situation. ‘I wish my man would F off every week, you’re so lucky’- lucky?! Try telling that to the 7 year old in my bed again because she wants her dad! ‘hmmm how will you cope, you must rely on him a lot’ – I’ve been working, studying for uni, raising a child and keeping a home for 5 years now. I cope because it’s what we have to do you melon!
    Anyway, chin up sweet. You can do this, and think how much more satisfying it will all be when you’re finished

    • Author
      Nicola Shepherd 6 years ago

      Thank you so much for your comment. It has made me so happy & sad to know that I am not alone in this. I’m so pleased that this blog has given you some comfort in knowing that you’re not alone either. I honestly whole heartedly agree with everything you have said here too. I hope that you get to see your OH this weekend coming & that your week goes quickly! If you have IG or FB come & find my page there, @paperjungle – I am always around for a chat if you feel lonely.
      Thank you for your encouragement, if it’s one thing I’ve learnt through the difficulties of this life, it’s just how tough we are. Sending love xx

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